How to Be Attractive (Hint: It’s Not About Your Looks)

Every now and then, while I’m mindlessly scrolling through Pinterest, something jumps out and smacks me in the face. It’s like, ‘Whoa, hold up—that’s kinda interesting.’ The last time this happened, it wasn’t even some fancy quote or editorial photo; it was literally a screenshot of someone’s notes app. It was all about how to be attractive, —but not in the usual ‘just look pretty’ kind of way. This was deeper, diving into the real stuff that makes someone genuinely stand out, like the secret sauce of attraction.

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The note was titled ‘Being Attractive.’ I won’t lie—I initially clicked on it thinking it was just a list of tips to improve my appearance… sorry, not sorry. But the first line read, ‘learn how to listen.’ That instantly got my attention, especially since listening has never been my strong suit.

The list continued with more crazy insightful tips like that. I immediately saved the image to my phone and vowed to read it every day, hoping I could become more attractive by following these tips. Weirdly enough, it kind of worked—or at least I think so. You’d have to ask my boyfriend for confirmation. But whenever I caught myself doing something on the list, I made a point to take note and actually follow the advice.

After months of this, I started to feel a little guilty that I didn’t even know who wrote the list, but I figured the advice was too good not to share.

This blog post covers everything shared in that note, plus my reflections and thoughts on each topic. After reading this post, you might find yourself not only more enlightened but maybe even a little more attractive—if you follow the advice, of course.

Annnnnd… if you’re the mysterious genius who wrote that note, do me a favor and let me know so I can personally thank you for helping me realize that being attractive is way more than just skin deep. Plus, give you the credit you totally deserve.

How to Be Attractive

1. Learn How to Listen

Becoming a better listener is key to building deeper connections. Yeah, I get it—it’s fun to talk about ourselves… guilty as charged. But there’s another reason we do this: it’s easier. We know ourselves, so there’s plenty to say. But stronger connections come from really listening to what someone else has to say.

Hot Tip: Instead of planning your next response while someone’s talking, actually listen and then ask them a question about what they just said. It’s a game changer, and as Paris Hilton would say circa 2004, ‘That’s hot.’

2. Don’t Overshare

This was the second item on the list and the moment I decided to save the image to my phone. I had a really bad habit of oversharing—first dates, job interviews, my mechanic… you get the idea. Seeing it spelled out that this might actually come off as unattractive was a revelation. I always thought it was cute—news flash, it was not.

Hot Tip: Keep a little mystery—nobody needs to know everything right away. You’ll come across as more mysterious and sexy, leaving people wanting to know more.

3. Allow People to Talk About Themselves

This tip is more of a party trick. People love to talk about themselves, and they feel good when they do. If you’re the one asking the questions that get them to open up, they’ll see you in a more attractive light. Plus, building on tip #1, being a good listener makes you instantly more attractive.

Hot Tip: Ask questions that will hype them up—definitely not about their job. Even if people can talk about work for hours, it’s not always what excites them most. Focus on hobbies or fun topics like, ‘Where’s your dream vacation home located?’—that’s my go-to.

4. Remember Small Details About People and Life in General

Have you ever known someone who randomly remembers a small, seemingly insignificant detail about you? It feels amazing when people remember the little things we share because, at the end of the day, we all just want to be heard—and seen. Showing you care about the small stuff makes you that much more endearing.

Hot Tip: This is where your listening skills come in handy—remember what people say to you. I read Moonwalking with Einstein: The Art and Science of Remembering Everything by Joshua Foer, and it helped me commit things to memory better. You can also just keep a note in your phone, but yeah, that might come off as a little creepy.

5. Don’t Be Needy

Confidence is attractive; neediness, not so much. The moment you ask for more than you’re given, you’ve immediately lowered your attractive score. And while I don’t actually believe in rating people on a scale of 1-10 that unfortunately is not the world we live in. People want to know they are with a catch but if you come off as needy, you’re looking like fish bait.

Hot Tip: Focus on what genuinely interests you. It’s way more exciting to learn something new from someone than to constantly seek validation. Dive into your hobbies, explore new topics, and let your passions shine—it’s far more appealing than following someone else’s every move. When you’re busy being your best self, you naturally become more attractive to others.

6. Value People’s Time and Energy….Be Punctual

Let’s be real here, nobody likes a time-waster. Being late or flaking out doesn’t just scream ‘I’m disorganized,’ it quietly whispers, ‘I don’t value you.’ Harsh, but true. When you respect someone’s time, you’re showing them that they matter to you, and that’s attractive. We’re all busy, and time is one of those things you just can’t get back. So if you’re always rolling in 15 minutes late or constantly canceling plans, don’t be surprised if people start losing interest.

Hot Tip: Make punctuality a priority. Set reminders, leave earlier than you think you need to, or even trick yourself with a fast clock if you have to—whatever it takes. Showing up on time (or even a bit early) isn’t just about being polite; it’s about showing respect. And respect, my friend, is hot. Plus, when you’re on time, you get to relax and actually enjoy the moment instead of stumbling in flustered and out of breath. It’s a small effort with a big payoff, trust me.

7. Always Be Learning, Knowledge is Power

Let’s face it, nobody likes a know-it-all who actually knows nothing. The world is constantly changing, and keeping up isn’t just about staying relevant; it’s about making life more interesting. People who are always learning have this magnetic energy about them—they’ve got stories, insights, and that spark of curiosity that just draws you in. Whether it’s picking up a new hobby, diving into a book, or just staying curious about the world around you, being a lifelong learner makes you not only more attractive but also way more fun to be around.

Hot Tip: Embrace your inner nerd. Sign up for that random online course, read articles on topics you know nothing about, or pick up a hobby you’ve always wanted to try. It doesn’t have to be something grand—just stay curious. When you’re constantly learning, you’re not only improving yourself, but you’re also becoming a more interesting person to talk to. Plus, who doesn’t love someone who can drop fun facts at a party? Knowledge isn’t just power; it’s your secret weapon to being the most captivating person in the room.

8. Spread Your Knowledge in a Humble Way, Avoid Appearing Superior or Arrogant

Spread your knowledge, but keep it humble—nobody likes a walking encyclopedia with a superiority complex. Sure, it’s great to know your stuff, but there’s a fine line between sharing insights and making people feel like they’re in a never-ending lecture. The trick is to share what you know without turning every conversation into a TED Talk. Being smart is attractive; being arrogant, not so much. People appreciate when you share your knowledge in a way that feels inclusive, not like a competition. So, remember, it’s not about showing off; it’s about connecting.

Hot Tip: When you’re sharing something you know, focus on making it a dialogue, not a monologue. Ask questions, invite others to share their thoughts, and don’t be afraid to say, ‘I don’t know’ when you’re out of your depth. There’s nothing more refreshing than someone who’s both knowledgeable and open to learning from others. It’s all about balance—drop those fun facts or insights when they fit, but always keep it chill. Humility paired with knowledge? Now that’s a sexy combo.

9. Never Beg for Anyone or Anything

Never beg for anyone or anything—because desperation is never a good look. The minute you start pleading for someone’s attention, approval, or affection, you’re putting yourself on the clearance rack when you belong in the Best Sellers section. Begging for anything, whether it’s love, friendship, or even a job, sends the message that you don’t believe you deserve better, and that’s just not true. You’ve got to know your worth and never settle for less than what you deserve. Confidence and self-respect are way more attractive than any amount of begging ever could be.

Hot Tip: Stand firm in your value and trust that what’s meant for you won’t need to be chased down. Focus on your own goals, passions, and the things that make you feel good about yourself. When you’re secure in who you are, you attract the right people and opportunities naturally. Remember, you’re not a doormat, so don’t let anyone treat you like one. Walk away from anything or anyone that makes you feel like you have to beg to be in their life—you deserve so much better than that.

10. Give Yourself the Validation That You Seek From Others

Give yourself the validation you seek from others, because waiting around for someone else’s approval is like chasing your own shadow—exhausting and totally unnecessary. Let’s be real: nobody’s opinion should matter more than your own. Seeking validation from others can quickly turn into a never-ending quest where you’re constantly trying to prove yourself, and honestly, who’s got time for that? When you learn to validate yourself, you free up so much energy and step into your true power. Confidence looks good on everyone, and it starts from within.

Hot Tip: Start celebrating your own wins, no matter how small, and get comfortable with telling yourself, ‘Hey, I did a great job.’ Create your own standards for success and happiness instead of relying on others to set them for you. When you’re your biggest cheerleader, it shows, and it’s seriously magnetic. Remember, the only person who truly needs to believe in you is you. So give yourself that gold star, crown, or whatever floats your boat—you’ve earned it.

11. Know That You Have a Lot of Options in Life

Know that you have a lot of options in life, because you’re not stuck—no matter how much it might feel like it sometimes. Whether it’s in your career, relationships, or just your everyday routine, there’s always more than one path to take. Feeling boxed in is usually more about mindset than reality. The truth is, life’s a buffet, not a fixed menu, and you have the freedom to try different things, change your mind, and reinvent yourself as many times as you want. So don’t get hung up on one missed opportunity or a door that didn’t open; there’s a whole hallway of doors waiting for you.

Hot Tip: Start viewing every ‘no’ as a redirection, not a rejection. Explore, experiment, and don’t be afraid to take a few detours. When you embrace the fact that there are countless ways to achieve your goals, life becomes a lot less stressful and way more exciting. Keep your eyes open, be flexible, and remember: you’re not limited to just one option, so don’t ever feel like you have to settle.

12. Stay Busy with Things That Make You Feel Good About Yourself and Never Jump for Anyone

Stay busy with things that make you feel good about yourself, and never jump for anyone—you’re not a circus performer, after all. When you’re wrapped up in your own passions and projects, you’re automatically more attractive because you’re radiating that ‘I’m living my best life’ energy. Don’t drop everything for someone who wouldn’t do the same; keep your priorities in check. Remember, the right people will fit into your busy, awesome life without you having to bend over backwards. So, do you, and let everyone else keep up.

Hot Tip: Prioritize your passions by blocking out time each week for what makes you happy. Focus on your own goals and set boundaries—anyone worth your time won’t make you jump through hoops. Keep doing what you love, and let the right ones keep up with you.

13. Stay True to Your Word, Know One Will Take You Seriously If You Don’t

Stay true to your word because, let’s face it, your credibility is everything. If you’re constantly flaking, overpromising, or just plain not following through, people are going to stop taking you seriously—and fast. Your word is like a currency; the more reliable you are, the more trust and respect you earn. Whether it’s showing up on time, keeping a promise, or just doing what you said you’d do, every little commitment counts.

Hot Tip: Only commit to what you can realistically deliver. It’s better to under-promise and over-deliver than to let people down. Set clear expectations and follow through, even on the small stuff—it all adds up. And remember, consistency is key. When people see that you mean what you say, you’ll naturally gain their trust and respect.

14. Learn How to Say No, and Not Feel Guilty

Saying no is a superpower—one that many of us are afraid to use because, let’s be honest, nobody wants to feel like the bad guy. But here’s the truth: you can’t do everything, and you definitely can’t please everyone. When you say yes to things that don’t serve you, you’re essentially saying no to yourself. Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re fences with gates that you control. Learning to say no without guilt is about protecting your time, energy, and sanity.

Hot Tip: Practice saying no in low-stakes situations first, and remind yourself that ‘no’ is a complete sentence—you don’t always owe an explanation. And remember, a no to someone else is a yes to yourself, so use your no’s wisely!

15. Avoid Being a Complainer

Let’s face it—nobody likes a chronic complainer. Sure, we all need to vent sometimes, but constantly focusing on the negatives can be a real vibe killer. Complaining not only drags you down, but it also affects those around you. Positivity isn’t about ignoring life’s challenges; it’s about choosing to look for solutions instead of just pointing out problems. When you focus on what’s good, you naturally attract more of it—and trust me, that’s a much better look.

Hot Tip: Next time you catch yourself about to complain, flip it into a positive or an action step. Instead of saying, ‘This is so frustrating,’ try, ‘This is a challenge, but here’s what I’m going to do about it.’ You’ll not only feel better, but you’ll also be way more fun to be around.

16. Fill Your Cup Before Filling Others

You can’t pour from an empty cup—it’s one of those clichés that’s a cliché for a reason. If you’re constantly giving without taking time to recharge, you’ll end up burnt out, resentful, and no good to anyone, including yourself. Self-care isn’t selfish; it’s essential. When you take care of your needs first, you have so much more to give to others, and you’ll do it from a place of abundance rather than obligation. Plus, there’s nothing more attractive than someone who knows their worth and prioritizes their well-being—people are drawn to that kind of confidence and energy.

Hot Tip: Schedule your self-care like it’s a non-negotiable appointment. Whether it’s exercise, reading, or just taking a moment to breathe, make sure you’re topping up your own cup regularly. You’ll be amazed at how much more you can give when you’re operating at 100%.

17. See Something Positive in Every Situation

Life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows, but finding the silver lining is a skill worth mastering. Being able to see the good, even in tough situations, isn’t about being naive; it’s about being resilient. When you train your mind to look for the positives, you’re better equipped to handle whatever life throws at you. Plus, optimism is contagious—and who doesn’t want to be the person that makes others feel better just by being around?

Hot Tip: Start a daily gratitude practice. Jot down three things you’re grateful for, even on the rough days. It’s a small habit with a big impact, and it’ll train your brain to seek out the good stuff naturally.

18. Know That You Are a Prize and Act Like It

You are the prize—so why are you acting like a consolation? When you know your worth, you stop settling for less than you deserve. This isn’t about being cocky; it’s about having a healthy sense of self-respect. You bring something unique to the table, and anyone who doesn’t see that isn’t worth your time. Remember, you’re not here to convince anyone of your value—you’re here to live it.

Hot Tip: Set your standards high and stick to them. Whether it’s in relationships, work, or just how you allow yourself to be treated, know what you’re worth and don’t settle for less. Confidence in your value is like a magnet, attracting the right opportunities and people to you.

19. Be Extremely Careful About Who You Allow in Your Inner Circle

Your inner circle is like your personal board of directors, so choose wisely. The people you surround yourself with have a huge influence on your mindset, energy, and overall vibe. If your circle is filled with toxic or negative people, it’s time to make some cuts. Keep your circle tight with those who lift you up, support your goals, and bring out the best in you.

Hot Tip: Regularly assess your inner circle. If someone is consistently draining your energy or doesn’t align with your values, it’s okay to set boundaries or distance yourself. Your inner circle should be a safe space that supports your growth—not a source of drama.

20. Treat Yourself Like a Priority in Order to Get Treated Like a Priority

Last but not least, consider this the final piece of the puzzle on how to be attractive: you teach people how to treat you by how you treat yourself. If you’re constantly putting yourself last, don’t be surprised if others do the same. Making yourself a priority isn’t about being selfish; it’s about setting the standard for how you expect to be treated. When you show up for yourself, others will take note and follow suit. Prioritizing yourself boosts your self-confidence and makes you more attractive and respected in every aspect of your life.

Hot Tip: Incorporate these tips into your life gradually—start small by picking one or two that resonate the most, like setting boundaries, learning to say no, or diving into a new hobby. As you make these habits a part of your daily routine, you’ll notice a shift in how you feel and how others respond to you.

By consistently prioritizing your growth, well-being, and self-respect, you’ll send a clear message to the world that you’re worth it, naturally attracting people who respect and value you for who you truly are. Remember, becoming more attractive isn’t about an overnight transformation; it’s about building these small, intentional changes into your life every day.

Self Confidence Building: How to Get My Life Together

Attractiveness isn’t just about looks—it’s about who you are, how you show up in the world, and how you treat yourself and others

As you’ve seen, it’s the little things like being a good listener, valuing your own time, and knowing your worth that truly make you stand out. The beauty of these tips is that they’re all actionable and rooted in self-respect and personal growth. By incorporating them into your daily life, you’re not just becoming more attractive to others—you’re becoming the best version of yourself.

So, take it one step at a time. Start small, stay consistent, and watch how these changes not only transform how others see you but, more importantly, how you see yourself. Remember, it’s not about striving for perfection; it’s about embracing the journey of self-improvement.

Keep being curious, keep setting boundaries, keep prioritizing yourself, and above all, keep shining. After all, the most attractive thing you can be is unapologetically you.

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How to Be Attractive (Hint: It’s Not About Your Looks)